Health Update #3: Jesus is Better
Andrew and his wife, Bailey, at Providence’s Sunday gathering.
Most Sundays Christians attend a church service, sit in the same seat, see the same people, sing the same songs, hear a reading from the same book, and leave an hour later the same person. This is a common experience for many Christians; heck, it’s a common experience for many pastors. But have you ever had one of those gatherings where the Lord worked in a unique way in your heart?
Just two weeks ago, I was standing in my normal spot, singing a song that our church sings often. To be wholly transparent, I’ve sang this song for 5+ years now and don’t usually look forward to singing it once more. Yet, right as the words began to tumble out of my mouth, they pierced my heart.
“There is no other, so sure and steady, my hope is held in your hands.
When castles crumble and breath is fleeting, upon this Rock I will stand.”
To understand the full context, this morning was one of the most challenging I had faced in a while. Over the course of the last six weeks, I have all but lost my appetite. Food that I’ve eaten for years suddenly tastes bad. On top of that, whenever I eat, my stomach churns and is often accompanied with dull to sharp pains. The lack of appetite and presence of pain have resulted in rarely eating. This results in even lower energy, more body aches, and mental fatigue.
Because of the aforementioned side effects of the past two months, my dark season has seemed to grow dimmer in significant ways. I am often in pain, usually emotionally unstable, and spiritually wearing down. It seems as if I am a shell of the man I used to be, the man my wife married, the man my boys grew to know as their dad. The shell of myself has taken an enormous toll on those closest to me, my family.
And in a final frustration on this particular Sunday, I was supposed to be three days away from my kidney transplant. Three days from the road to recovery. Three days from feeling healthy. Three days from shedding this shell and stepping into who I believe God is calling me to be once again. But it would not be three days away, for my surgery was recently postponed, bringing more questions and tests than solutions and healing.
“Words that I’ve sung a hundred times suddenly were real. In that moment, for what felt like for the first time, I deeply believed that Jesus is better. ”
So there I stood on that Sunday morning: in pain, light-headed, frustrated at myself, frustrated at my life, and sad.
But then those words came out of my mouth. Words that did not originate in my heart, but rather spoke to my heart. For this is one of the great joys of Sunday worship with a church family. The church put these words in my mouth that I didn’t feel, but I needed to hear. That I needed to say. Because in that moment, I felt as if life was crumbling; I felt as if my life was fleeting.
And one question haunted me: But am I willing to stand on the Rock?
The song continues, ending with the cry that regardless of circumstances in life, Jesus is better. It was at that moment the Lord broke me. As tears began to slowly fill my eyes, I sang these words:
“In all my sorrows, Jesus is better.”
Instead of angrily crushing me with guilt, the Lord sweetly reminded me that He truly is better. Words that I’ve sung a hundred times suddenly were real. In that moment, for what felt like for the first time, I deeply believed that Jesus is better.
More than a healthy body, Jesus is better.
More than a kidney transplant, Jesus is better.
More than enjoying my favorite meal, Jesus is better.
More than a night without dialysis, Jesus is better.
More than mental and emotional strength, Jesus is better.
More than being a pastor, Jesus is better.
More than playing with my kids, Jesus is better.
More than a long life with my wife, Jesus is better.
Now do not misunderstand me, I praise God for all the blessings in this life, but in that moment my priorities rightly aligned. I long to live decades more and grow old with my wife. I long to play with my kids without body aches and exhaustion. I long to pastor Providence in full spiritual and physical strength. I long to eat a giant steak and drink a glass of red wine and feel joyfully full afterwards. I long for much in this life.
But at that moment I longed for Jesus more. And I long now for Jesus to do whatever He must do in me, in my body and in my life, to make my heart believe He is better. Because He truly is better.
The Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 1:21 that “To live is Christ and to die is gain.”
“I long now for Jesus to do whatever He must do in me, in my body, and in my life to make my heart believe He is better. Because, He truly is better.”
As I near the transplant date once again, I believe these words to be true. I desire Christ to be exalted and made much of in my body and life. This means that in my health and life, I desire to reveal the value and worthiness of Christ. In disease and sickness, I desire to reveal the value and worthiness of Christ. And in my death, whether it be soon or far away, I desire to reveal the value and worthiness of Christ.
Friends, Jesus is truly better. Would we believe this? Would we see Him as the greatest treasure of our lives? And would we live and die to reveal that “we have no other king, but Jesus Lord of all.”
Lastly, if you feel inclined, would you please pray for me in the coming days?
Would you continue to pray that He holds me fast as I approach my surgery next week? Would you pray that He would strengthen my weary body and soul? Would you pray for my weary family? And would you pray that if I live a healthy life for decades more, that I would never forget that Jesus is always better?
Andrew